At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Education is vital
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’m turning the tables on “big beef” and from here on out I’m only eating beef fed grass!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.