At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then