At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I cannot call her anything else now
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
doing some research
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.