At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Good lord
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.