At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.