Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

I’m too immature for adultery.

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none