[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
finally
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.