Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Don’t frighten the programmers!

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one