[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I’ve been learning to cook.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!