Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun