[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
That’s classic.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
President The Rock Obama
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.