At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
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my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
sometimes we need to be reminded
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.