Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

i wish we could shoplift online

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

I already tried new things thanks.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet