Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH