Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.