Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Voting is the worst group project

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

Priorities

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.