karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
That’s easy for you to say
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on