[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I think about this a lot
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!