[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes