Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

wtf

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.