Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice