Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral