Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

For cardio I live beyond my means.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

bros in the example zone 😭

the answer was staring at me all along

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.