[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Cake!!
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*