Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Lube but for my dry humor.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Goat cheese is for herders.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.