Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

Just a phase…

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Wednesday

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing