Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Every time my phone rings

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great