*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You Might Also Like
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Easy enough.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼