[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You might just have to resign…
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.