Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.