Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

My therapist after every session

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.