[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?