At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight