At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
True?
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Meat Cute
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again