Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies