Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Me buying fruit and veg

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.