*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.