Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

are they though??

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*