Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*