Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

The symmetry is uncanny.

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?