[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.