[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Its a hippotatomus
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Reporter: *ports again*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Monday?
No. Next question.