@GoldenSpirals

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

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@Mardigroan

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

@aotakeo

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@MildlyClassic

Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.

@david_j_roth

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

@13spencer

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”