If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand