[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before