Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Body by sandwich.

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Do not steal food from the science building!

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”