*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Anyone really
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Best table by far
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.