*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Dudes named Chance never had one.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.