Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

don’t message me unless you have this energy

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”