I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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Ironman is my favorite story about how sleep deprivation can make you a sarcastic, neurotic superhero without being a parent.
I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.
Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate