*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.


Ironman is my favorite story about how sleep deprivation can make you a sarcastic, neurotic superhero without being a parent.


I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.


(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE


My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?


[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*


Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.


Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.


Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate