*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The Friday File.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*