Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

If snakes were wide

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

i prefer mine room temperature.

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.