Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

This is a genius move

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..