Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

happy valentine’s day to me

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Vodka burrito was a success

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf