[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately