[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.