Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..