Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

This anagram machine is out of order.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes