Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

I was bored.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all