Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

Your secret is safeish with me

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.