Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Okay this one takes it home

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.