Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Whoa… oh I see lol

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

At least try to make it slightly believable

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Why I divorced her.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.