Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Love this guy

My first child will be named New Folder.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

But is it really??

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.