Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!