At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.