At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m being attacked 😭
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.