[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.