[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.