Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

My first child will be named New Folder.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Finally

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College