Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

I saw nothing

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.