Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?