Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.