Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it