[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
You Might Also Like
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.