Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?