Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Them: Just act casual
Me:

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.