[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*