[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting