[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Important
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY