[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.